What to wear to a Chinese funeral: as a guest, as family, with children, and at services of different faiths

A note before we start: we could not find any official guidance on what to wear to a Chinese funeral. What follows comes mainly from funeral industry websites in Hong Kong and the US, plus a few reference works. We name the source for each point, and where the sources disagree, we say so.

What do guests usually wear?

Hong Kong funeral industry websites broadly agree: black or plain, muted clothes, with navy, dark grey and dark brown all fine (afterLIFE, 〈喪禮衣著指南〉; Hong Kong funeral florist hk-flowers.com, 〈弔喪禮儀〉).

What they suggest avoiding is bright, festive colour: bright red, vivid yellow, fluorescent shades (afterLIFE, as above). Treeo Life lists red, yellow and orange as festive colours to avoid (〈喪禮衣著〉).

If you usually go to Western funerals, black will feel familiar. The part that may be new is red. One US guide, Memorials.com, takes it as far as a red tie, a red scarf, or even a red lining.

Shoes and jewellery follow the same idea. The Hong Kong florist’s guide suggests closed-toe shoes rather than slippers or sandals, and jewellery and make-up that are not too showy (hk-flowers.com, as above).

There is no need to buy an all-black outfit. Something dark without a loud pattern, already in your wardrobe, is enough.

Why no red? A custom, not a curse

In Chinese, Cantonese included, a funeral can be called a 白事 (baak si), literally a “white matter”. The dictionary sense is simply a funeral (Taiwan Ministry of Education, Revised Mandarin Chinese Dictionary 《重編國語辭典修訂本》, entry 白事).

At a Chinese funeral, white is not bridal white. Wikipedia’s article on Chinese funeral rituals notes that white clothing is symbolic of the dead, and that red is not usually worn because it is the traditional colour of happiness, worn at Chinese weddings. (The citation there is an About.com article, archived 2015.) Memorials.com puts red alongside luck, joy, weddings and New Year.

So skipping red is about the day not being a happy occasion, and about the family’s feelings. afterLIFE describes it as a way to show respect for the person who has died.

We will not tell you that wearing the wrong thing brings bad luck. We could not find a source for claims like that, and good manners do not need a threat to make sense.

One more thing if you come from a tradition where funerals are “celebrations of life” with bright colours welcome: at a Chinese funeral, it is worth checking with the family before bringing that habit along.

What does the family wear?

In Chinese funeral language, “the family” (主家, the household holding the funeral) dress differently from guests. You do not need to know the details. The rough picture is enough.

Traditionally, mourning dress was graded by how closely you were related to the person who died. The system is called the five mourning grades, 五服 (wǔfú) (David K. Jordan, “Wǔfú 五服: The Traditional Chinese Mourning Categories”, UC San Diego). A Hong Kong study describes the heaviest grade:

For today’s Hong Kong, funeral industry websites describe something like this: the family in hemp or white, men with a black cloth band (黑紗), women with a white flower in the hair (afterLIFE; Treeo Life).

Where the black band goes depends on who you ask. afterLIFE says it is worn on the chest. Dignity Memorial, a US funeral-home network, describes a black armband, and Memorials.com mentions black armbands too.

Below that level, the sources part ways. For the colour of grandchildren’s hair flowers, afterLIFE says blue for a son’s daughters and green for a daughter’s children; Dignity Memorial says green for grandchildren and blue for great-grandchildren. This is for the family and the funeral home to sort out. As a guest, you do not need to remember any of it.

And none of it may last long. The same Hong Kong study records that many families today “take off mourning on the spot after the burial, removing their mourning clothes” (our translation).

In the funeral websites we read, armbands and hair flowers only ever appear in the section about the family. None of them asks guests to bring their own. For a guest, their most practical use is this: they show you who the close family are, so you know whom to offer your condolences to.

What should children wear?

Treeo Life, a Hong Kong funeral service, suggests a black or dark shirt and long trousers, avoiding prints and bright colours (Treeo Life, 〈喪禮衣著〉).

In real life, half of a child’s wardrobe has a cartoon on it. Pick the plainest, darkest thing they own. There is no need to buy something new for one day.

Buddhist, Taoist, Christian or non-religious: does it change anything?

First, in Hong Kong the lines between religions at a funeral are not as sharp as you might expect. The same Hong Kong study records:

Overseas, the mix can be wider still. Dignity Memorial notes that Chinese families in the US may combine their cultural traditions with Christian funeral practices.

On what guests wear, this is what we found. Apart from the church guidance in the Christian row, every source here is a funeral industry website, so treat it as a guide, not a rule:

Put simply: dark and plain will not look out of place at any of these. Not sure which kind of service it is? The family will know.

If you have a faith of your own and would rather not offer incense: afterLIFE, in its guide to attending a funeral (〈出席喪禮6大注意事項〉), says that Christian or Catholic guests can pray silently in place of the Chinese-style three bows and offering of incense (三鞠躬、上香).

Not sure? Ask. It is not rude

Many people hold back from asking because they do not want to bother a grieving family. One short message usually does it, and then you are not guessing. Something like:

If the family is too busy to reply, the staff at the funeral home can be another person to ask. If the funeral notice says what to wear, follow that.

Flying in with just one black coat in your case? A dark coat over a plain top is plenty.