Customs
After a death in the family: can you go to a wedding, visit people, or celebrate Chinese New Year?
The funeral is barely over and a wedding invitation arrives. Or Lunar New Year is coming up, and nobody in the family has said whether you are “doing” it this year. You are not unsure because you do not care. You are unsure because nobody ever explained this, and it is not a moment you want to get wrong.
There is no single rule everyone follows. The classical Book of Rites is often cited: it asks mourners to hold back and neighbours to be considerate, but the passages usually quoted set no “100 days”. Today some Chinese families step back from weddings and New Year visits for about 100 days or a year, while a Hong Kong study records many ending mourning on the day of the burial. The practical answer is to ask: the grieving family asks the hosts, and the hosts ask the family.
A note on scope: what the first seven days, the hundred days and the first anniversary are, and how they are counted, is covered in The 49 days, the 100 days, and the first year. This page is only about how you handle other people during that time.
Who is this for?
Maybe you are the grieving family. A grandparent has just died, you live abroad, and this may be the first time the decisions are yours. Your mother says “don’t go to any weddings this year”. You would like to know why, but now is not the time to argue.
Maybe you are on the other side. You are getting married next month, and a close friend has just lost someone. Do you still send the invitation? Would it put them in an awkward spot?
Or maybe your partner is not Chinese, and cannot understand why you have suddenly pulled out of their cousin’s wedding.
All three are stuck on the same thing: not knowing what the other person expects. You are not the only one.
One family’s first New Year after a death
In 2019, Venus Wu wrote for Goldthread about her Hong Kong family’s first Lunar New Year after her grandmother died. Her story shows, in miniature, how this can play out.
The funeral home, she wrote, “even told us that we could go ahead and celebrate Chinese New Year as usual”, as long as the family completed the rituals marking the end of the burial. (They also gave a reason for this. We have not been able to verify it as a general rule, so we leave it out; read this as what one funeral home told one family.)
But “a few older relatives asked us not to visit their homes”, and the family, with the loss so recent, chose not to celebrate. Normally they would fit ten family visits into two days, “hurrying from home to home in red outfits”. That year:
“The day, usually jam-packed with back-to-back family visits, stretched out long and empty.”
— Venus Wu, “After my grandma died, there was no Chinese New Year for my family”, Goldthread, 13 February 2019. One family’s account, not a guide.
Notice what happened. The permission came from one place, the request came from another, and the family made its own choice. It was never really about a rulebook. It was about people.
What do the passages usually quoted say?
Many articles talk about what “tradition requires”. We went back to a text that is often cited: the Book of Rites (禮記, Liji), a collection of classical ritual writings. In its chapter 曲禮上 (Quli, part one), a few lines deal with behaviour around a death:
「鄰有喪,舂不相。里有殯,不巷歌。」
“When a neighbour is in mourning, do not sing while pounding grain. When there is a coffin lying in the village, do not sing in the lanes.”
「臨喪則必有哀色,執紼不笑,臨樂不歎……」
“At a funeral, wear a look of grief; holding the rope of the hearse, do not laugh.”
— 《禮記·曲禮上》, Wikisource text; our translation, the second one shortened.
These lines are addressed to the people around the family, asking them to be considerate. They do not tell the family to hide away.
The same chapter, speaking to mourners themselves:
「居喪之禮,頭有創則沐,身有瘍則浴,有疾則飲酒食肉,疾止復初。」
“In mourning: if your head has a wound, wash your hair; if your body has a sore, bathe; if you are ill, drink wine and eat meat, and when you recover, go back to how you were.”
「五十不致毀,六十不毀,七十唯衰麻在身,飲酒食肉,處於內。」
“At fifty, do not mourn to the point of wasting away; at sixty, do not waste away at all; at seventy, simply wear the mourning clothes, drink wine, eat meat, and stay at home.”
— same source; our translation.
The point of these two passages is restraint, with health and age coming first. Neither of them sets a number of days before you may attend a banquet, and nothing forbids visiting other people’s homes.
Where do “100 days” and “one year” come from?
What we found are modern accounts, and they disagree with each other.
A Hong Kong ritual master’s website, in its column on funerals (written in Chinese, 2022), puts it like this:
「古人守孝要三年,現代則有幾種,有的說一年,有的一百天,有的落葬脫孝後便可以了。但一般最多人做的是一百天。」
“In ancient times mourning lasted three years. Today there are several versions: some say one year, some a hundred days, some that it is over once mourning clothes come off after the burial. But the most common is a hundred days.”
— 司徒法基〈白事小百科〉, a Hong Kong ritual master’s website; our translation. For reference only.
A Hong Kong newspaper, interviewing a metaphysics practitioner (玄學家) at Lunar New Year 2024, gave the traditional span as a full year, adding that “many people now use 100 days as the limit” (Sky Post, 9 February 2024; our translation, for reference only).
At the other end, an illustrated study of Hong Kong Chinese funeral customs (Hong Kong Shue Yan University, 2018) records that most families today take off mourning on the spot after the burial and host a meal for the relatives present, 「代表孝期完滿」, “marking the mourning period as complete” (research report funded by the Lord Wilson Heritage Trust; our translation).
Three years, one year, a hundred days, the burial day: all four have their advocates. One year, a hundred days and the burial day are what modern practitioners, a metaphysics commentator and researchers have recorded; three years is the mourning period of the classical rites (the Book of Rites, chapter 三年問: 「三年之喪,二十五月而畢」, “the three-year mourning ends in the twenty-fifth month”).
Some accounts, including some of the sources above, say what happens if you do not keep to it. None of that can be verified, so we do not repeat it.
Red packets (利是, lai see: small gifts of money in red envelopes, given at New Year) are the same. The newspaper piece above says that traditionally none are given or received for a year; a funeral company’s page says giving them within the immediate family is fine. They do not agree, and we will not pick one. Your own elders’ version is the one to follow.
If you are the grieving family
The first thing: how you feel comes first. The Book of Rites passages above put the mourner’s health and age first.
- A wedding invitation: reply either way, and say whether you will come. If you are not going, some people send a gift and take the couple out for a meal later. If you would like to go, you can ask the couple whether they mind.
- Lunar New Year: skipping the round of home visits this year and calling or video-calling instead is one way to do it.
- Wanting to get out of the house: plenty of people do. If it means visiting someone’s home, ask them first.
- Relatives who disagree: they may be following what they grew up with. There is no need to settle who is right; agree on a version everyone can live with.
Families differ. A hundred days, a year, or back to normal after the burial: people do all of them.
If you are the one inviting or visiting
That line from the Book of Rites about not singing while a neighbour mourns is written for you: when someone near you is grieving, you lower your voice a little.
- Inviting them: sending the invitation is fine; some people are glad to be remembered. Add a line like “no pressure at all, I’ll completely understand if you can’t come”, and you have taken the awkwardness away.
- They did not visit at New Year: do not read it as a snub. Their family may not be visiting this year, or they may not be ready to see people.
- Visiting them: call first and ask whether it is a good time. Some people want company; some want quiet.
- They say they will come: then welcome them. How they decide is a matter for their own family; you do not need to worry about the rules on their behalf.
What to say, including to non-Chinese friends
The hardest part is starting the conversation. Use these as they are, or change them:
Grieving family, to the couple: “We’ve just had a death in the family, and some of our elders avoid celebrations for a while. Would you mind if I came? If it’s easier, I’d love to take you both out to celebrate afterwards.”
Hosts, to the grieving family: “We’d really love you to be there next month, but there’s no pressure at all. Whatever feels right for you.”
Before a New Year visit: “We’d like to come and see you over New Year. Would you like visitors this year? Completely fine if not; a phone call would be lovely too.”
All three do the same thing: they give the other person an easy way to say no.
For a partner or friend who did not grow up with this, explaining the customs in detail can make it sound stranger than it is, and they may think you are avoiding them. “Respect” and “time” may land better:
“In my family’s tradition, close family step back from celebrations for a while after a death. Some families keep it for about a hundred days. It’s about respect and giving ourselves time, not about you. I’d love to celebrate with you properly afterwards.”
The last two sentences carry it: it is not about you, and we will make it up later. Say both, and they will know it is not something they did.
To be straight with you: this page is not based on the shop’s experience. What we do is burn offering packets. We have not asked customers how they handle New Year or weddings while in mourning, so we have nothing of our own to report.
The customs described here were all looked up, and the sources are named in the text. The suggestions and sample conversations in the sections for the grieving family and for hosts are our own wording, not custom.
Going, not going, going and leaving early: people do all three. If you asked and thought about the other person, you have already done the courteous thing. Nobody should come away from this feeling they got it wrong.
If this would help
What this page covers is not something we can help with. Whether to go, and how to handle New Year, is between you and the people around you. The one thing we do is burn offering packets in Hong Kong on your behalf. It is not something mourning requires; it is simply one more option.
See the offering packets